It’s finally happened! After literally years of being promised that the appropriate signs would be coming “very soon” or told that such signs were not necessary in the first place, the University of Not-Bielefeld finally put up signs on my campus late last year indicating that all dogs must be on a leash.
Ok, signs is a bit of an exaggeration. It’s really just one sign located smack dab in the middle of the campus. Granted, if you only have the resources for a single sign (possibly because the sign budget was exhausted because of the multiple signs they needed to highlight all their insect-friendly meadows or that they don’t clear this particular path in the winter), the middle of the campus is probably the best place to put it. It does mean, however, that many people will unknowingly be walking their dogs illegally for half the campus.
Apart from the actual message that any sign is meant to convey, this sign also includes a meaningless platitude meant to justify its message, something that is becoming increasingly common generally. Apparently doing so reduces annoyance while increasing enlightenment. For instance, signs announcing roadworks in Germany have carried the slogan “We’re building this for you” (Wir bauen für Sie) for decades now. Well, gee, who else would they be doing it for? And, to be honest, who really cares so long as they do some actual building instead of just blocking long stretches of the road for long stretches of time for no apparent reason?
Of course, the granddaddy of all slogans is “Your safety is our primary concern” because you can use that to justify almost anything (cf. Trump vs. Venezuela). The University of Not-Bielefeld, however, saw fit to lay on a warm fuzzy guilt trip with a touch of finger pointing as their justification instead: Für ein rücksichtsvolles Miteinander, which roughly translates out to “To foster coexistence.” But not just any kind of coexistence, of course, but considerate (rücksichtsvolles) coexistence. So I considered it …
… and, once again, was left bewildered as to why all the social unrest in the world today seems to come from dogs and their owners. Live in northern Germany and especially Not-Bielefeld for any length of time and you’ll quickly realize that bicycles, not dogs, are what plague society today because bicycle riders, not unlike dogs, can’t read signs either. Nor can their upscale, lazy, but environmentally holier-than-thou cousins the e-scooter riders. I mean, stop signs or right-of-way signs? Pffft. Although I’ve seen signs warning pedestrians of oncoming bike traffic, before moving to Not-Bielefeld I’ve never seen them within sight of another sign forbidding bike riders from travelling in that oncoming direction.
One sign in particular that this bunch can’t read is that there is a universal 10-km/h speed limit on the campus of the University of Not-Bielefeld. For some perspective, here are some examples to illustrate just how fast 10km/h isn’t:
- world-class ironman competitors run the marathons at the end of those triathlons at 15 km/h or better;
- for us remaining mortals, the boundary between jogging and running is at about 10 km/h;
- the various species of basilisk (AKA the Jesus Christ lizards) generally hit speeds in excess of 11 km/h to achieve their water-walking miracles; and
- without me doing anything, my car putters along at about 10 km/h in first gear all by itself (and 17 in second), meaning that I am (well, should be) continually applying the brakes when I’m on campus although all my driving instincts tell me otherwise.
Now, together with their inability to ride and read simultaneously, I think it’s obvious where the bigger threat to campus coexistence lies when you consider that leisurely bike rides are generally considered to start at 10 km/h and that the average speed of entry-level e-scooters starts at 16 km/h. And not just the bigger threat but the more numerous one as well given that the University of Not-Bielefeld provides bike racks for over 4000 bicycles and hundreds of meters of sidewalk to block with unused, idle e-scooters.
At least I walk my single, unleashed dog well under the campus speed limit …
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